So, amoungst the many many many things that are weird about MySpace, here's one that I that I find REALLY fascinating.

People communicating with their friends, soley through those comments thingys. Like, instead of writing someone a regular email. Or calling them.

Like making plans for hanging out and stuff, FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

So, great, I'm a crazy stalker and now that I know where you are going to be 'partying' this weekend, I'll be sure to join you!

And like telling people sort of personal intimate things in a comment.

"Thanks for fingering my G-spot last night! I can't wait to suck you off later this week! Oh and I think we're out of condoms, could you pick up some. Toodles!"

Huh? EW!

Don't these people get that EVERYONE can read them? I guess you can set you settings so only your friends can read it and that makes a little more sense, but still.... Pick up that phone! Write a NORMAL email! What the hell?!?

It's like a big ENORMOUS yearbook where everyone is trying to get as many signatures as possible. And when you give your yearbook to the next person to sign with their very personal note about their feeeeeeeeeeelings about you they read all the other comments people have read and know JUST how popular you are.

It's just weird. And like exhibitionistic and well, well.. young, I guess. Which is probably why the kiddies like it so much. But be careful kiddies!! Be careful with these exhibitionistic dramas you create! Twicksie is watching. Oh and judging.. BE WARNED!

Yah, ok, so I just had someone who claims to be a PSYCHIC make fun OF ME for being A LIBRARIAN.

The conversation (which was on the phone - please don't ask why I was talking to a psychic on the phone, it's a long story - so she couldn't see me) went a little like this:

The 'psychic': So what do you do? ---> to this I would like to say "MAYBE YOU COULD FIGURE THAT OUT, YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC" feh.

Me 'the librarian': I'm a librarian

The 'psychic': You're joking, I didn't think people did that anymore.

Me: No, I'm really a librarian.

The 'psychic': Do you wear glasses?

Me: Nooo... (even though I do sometimes, but I am NOT giving her the satisfaction.. and honestly, I really didn't get where this was going right away.)

The 'psychic': Do you wear your hair back in a bun? (At this point she's laughing hysterically thinking she is HI-LARIOUS)

Me: No, no I don't (yes, yes now the funny funny joke is so clear to me)

The 'psychic' or shall we call her as she likes to put it 'the intuitive' finally INTUITS that she's being a stupid cunt and backpedals.

The 'psychic': Oh, I'm sorry, I guess that's not very sensitive of me.

Me: Don't worry about it, it happens all the time.

AND SCENE.

Ok, so how can someone who claims to talk to the 'spirit world' for living find being a librarian so goddamn funny?

Everyone's gotta shit on someone, don't they? Do all psychics feel they are above librarians in the social pecking order? Has it come to this?!?!?!

They probably get paid more.

I hope she 'psychic-ly' 'intuits' that I hate her. Oh, because I do.

Ok, I just ordered almost 5,000 dollars worth of books (for the library) in about 20 minutes.

DUDE, WHAT A RUSH!

I'm all turned on. Now I see why librarians get all loose after hours with their bun freeing and collar loosening and whathaveyou.

It's all about the ORDERING.

Wheewie! I need a goddamn cigarette...

Something else that occured to me this morning as I was readying myself for another grueling work week in the library...

I have concert t-shirts that are 20 years old. Like to the day. I just wore my Del Fuegos t-shirt yesterday.

Saw them opening for INXS in the summer of '86.

So, like the students at my school? Many of them are YOUNGER THAN SOME OF MY CLOTHING.

Holy shit. I am so old.

Ok, here's a sign that the end of the world is coming:

I was in a club FULL of lesbians and black men (don't ask, it's a long story) this weekend and NONE of them hit on me.

Something is VERY VERY wrong.

Ok, ONE MORE THING and then I SWEAR I'm going to bed. Really..

You know you swear alot when you are using the spell check and the word 'fuck' and it's various conjugations or declentions or whatever, is the only thing that shows up. Over and over and over again.

It keeps wanting to change it to 'Fuji' or 'bucking'. Tee hee..

Boy I'm quite the little poster today, aren't I?

Ok, couple of things to do when you are feeling crappy about single (and say, your brother's wedding is the day after your birthday and the rehearsal dinner is ON your birthday and it's a clambake, and guess what? you are allergic to clams and you have to read Corinthians 13 all about how without love there is nothing in the wedding and you have gained 4.67 pounds and feel like the loser spinster LIBRARIAN sister with the three fucking cats who needs a walker to get to the pulpit or stage or whatever the fuck it is you have to stand behind to read the damn bible verse because you're so obese and AND BASICALLY you are living your own 16 Candles and really it's going to be renamed 34 Candles with a new ending where there is no Jake bringing you a cake and remembering your birthday and it's just you ALONE sitting with your cats rocking back and forth with the wilted bouquet and a crumpled tear stained Corinthians 13 in your chubby hand. ahem.)

Ok, right! So!

1. Find yourself someone that is having problems in their relationship to talk to. I know this is really fucked up and sort of shitty, but it really works! I dated someone once that said that he was sad about not being in a relationship but then walked by a couple in a parked car screaming at each other. He felt better then.

Obviously you'll want to be sympathetic to the person, but hey, if it can help make you feel a little better, everybody wins!

2. Go dancing in a dive bar, nothing fancy. Dance your fucking ass off. Dance until you don't care what planet you live on.

3. Flirt LIKE A FUCKING WHORE with anyone that will have you. Seriously, I've been putting this into practice alot lately and it really works quite nicely. Especially flirt with people you think would NEVER be interested in you. Most recently I've flirted with a super conservative biotech guy, a very attractive short man (also a fantastic dancer), a German toxicologist, a middle aged carpenter wearing union paraphenalia with YOU GUESSED IT a non-ironic moustache, and a SUPER cute waiter from Southie (from those of you not from Boston, that's the neighborhood Matt Damon's character is from in Good Will Hunting, does that help? eh?) with a teenie weenie Southie accent. And that was only in the past two weeks. Awww yeahh..

These are my prescriptions to keep the hope alive. I hope they serve you well.

I plan on doing all of them during my personal dramatic reenactment of 34 Candles.. fuck Jake, I'm good to go baby!

I think I speak for almost everyone in the State of Massachusetts when I say that it's really quite amazing what a little sunlight will do.

Thank you for your time.

Well Hello.

Today I would like to turn your attention to the following: The non-ironic moustache.

I have referred to this phenomenon often over the course of the past few years and have had many people inquire as to what I mean when I say 'non-ironic moustache' and so, today I will elaborate.

As you may know there are many styles of moustaches out there in the world. The style of the one's moustache often determines it's status as ironic or non-ironic. There's the fu manchu style (halfway to a goatee, but not quite there), the John Water's style, or even just a moustache that sort of connects to your sideburns and whatnot.

Usually, if a fella is under the age of 40 and his moustache is 'wacky' and/or 'creative' in some way, we're working with an 'ironic moustache'. You can tell that they aren't serious about their facial hair. It's part of an over all ironic 'look'. It's like wearing really thick black rimmed glasses, knowing that, true, yes, some actually dorky people wear them, but really, you're looking to be more like Elvis Costello.

Now, the man with the 'non-ironic moustache' is anything but glib about his facial hair. He is DEAD SERIOUS. There isn't a wacky bone in his body. Oh no..

A good example of a 'non-ironic moustache' is the ever-popular Tom Selleck. Or perhaps Burt Reynolds. These fellas are very very serious about their moustaches. And frankly the 'non-ironic moustache', well, it has worked well on them.

Here's who it doesn't work on: Everybody else.

Well, perhaps I should qualify that a bit.. I think on older gentlemen, a non-ironic moustache can have it's place and, in fact look pretty distinguished and dare I say.. Foxy. And of course those of you who have grown up in a difference culture where the 'non-ironic moustache' is king. These are instances where this type of moustache makes sense.

HOWEVER! Those of you under the age, of say 45 (depending on how old you actually look) I would think VERY VERY CAREFULLY before growing yourself a caterpillar above that lip. VERY CAREFULLY.

It just.. well, it sends a message that I'm thinking you probably don't want to send.

Unless you ARE a hard core porn producer who came of age in the 70's, well then, have at it.

Ok, here's a question for you:

Why do Ipod headphones SUCK SO VERY BADLY?

And you may be thinking, "Oh I dunno, I don't think the sound quality is that bad, blahblahblahbalh" but that's not of what I speak.

I speak of the fact that if you have your music turned up to AT ALL they basically act as speakers so the whole GODDAMN WORLD can hear what your listening to.

Which, for a librarian, who hates shooshing more than life itself, is a serious irritant.

This isn't a very funny or interesting post, I just wanted share.

AN ADDENDUM TO THE OPEN LETTER TO THE CRAZY LADY IN AT THE SUPERMARKET WITH THE MANY AND MOST VARIOUS OF BAGS:

Much to my chagrin, people have been telling me that they thought I was being MEAN TO A CRAZY BAG LADY. No and no.

This woman was not a "bag lady" in the classic sense of the term, she was just a weird lady with lots of bags that did not lock the fucking bathroom door.

She was not out of her head with crazy or anything like that, she was just a bit strange and well, not someone you want to see hovering over the toilet with her stockings around her ankles.

I mean, I don't think I'M someone you want to see hovering over a toilet with my stockings around my ankles, but THAT'S WHY I FUCKING LOCK THE FUCKING BATHROOM DOOR WHEN I AM IN THAT POSITION.

ugh.

I suppose I took out years of pent up aggression on this poor woman with the many and various bags, so for that I am sorry. So many people not locking doors throughout the years. So very many.

So, once and for all, I am not mean to crazy people. Unless they deserve it.

This may only be funny to people who actually know me, but shocking of all shockers I make a lot of 'your mother' jokes.

It's true, I do.

But that's not what's funny.

On our local NPR radio station here in Boston there is a Mother's Day fund drive that allows you to buy flowers for the lovely lady and it also gives money to the station. Nice, right?

So during the moments when they are telling all of us to buy these flowers, they keep saying "your mom this", "you're mother that", "I'm sure your mom will.."

So basically NPR is talking smack about all of our mothers. Sort of..

Oh I dunno, it was funny this morning.

Your mom thinks so.

SNAP!

I think Friendster suspects I'm cheating on it with MySpace.

It kept logging me out just now, like it was mad but didn't want to talk about it and wanted me to guess why it was being pissy.

Friendster just needs to accept that I'm seeing other networking sites. I mean, it already knows about Linked-In.. I thought it would be cool with MySpace.. jesus..

Oh and MY MySpace page doesn't look like a broke-ass unicorn festival. Thank you very much.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CRAZY WOMAN WITH THE MANY VARIOUS BAGS IN THE BATHROOM AT THE SUPERMARKET:

Dear Crazy Lady With the Many and Various Bags,

Please PLEASE remember to lock the bathroom door. Please. For I do not want to see you, for a brief flash of a moment, with your stockings down around you ankles, bending backwards over the toilet. No, I do not want to see you in this position.

Do you want me to see you in this position? No?

So then why not lock that door?

Yes, I heard you say "Whoops, guess the lock doesn't work well!" and yet, for during that brief flash of a moment when I opened the door and saw you in the aforementioned position, I also noted seeing an unused door latch.

Yes, I saw that. So, really, you did not lock the door, did you?

No, no, you didn't.

I think it would be in everyone's best interest if, next time, you took the time to do a little "forward thinking" and lock the fucking door. This way, you can take your sweet time sitting on the toilet, rifling through your many many and most various of bags, and contemplating how very crazy you are without any pesky and sudden interruptions. I truly think it will be the best for everyone involved.

Thank you very much for your consideration of this matter. It is my sincere hope, oh crazy one, that the lock 'works well' in the next supermarket bathroom you visit and you take full advantage of it's functionality.

Fondest Regards,
Twicksie

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod..

http://home.pacbell.net/bettychu/2004allbreedbisris/2004bisindex.html

How can something so very wrong be so very right?

Ohmygod.

Ok, David Blaine?

He's one crazy mother fucker.

Seriously. Totally crazy.

How is this a good idea?

His next stunt will be shooting himself in the head. And actually dying! And not coming back!

Seriously? I know he's all famous and shit for doing this stuff, but he has some SERIOUS issues. Seriously.

He's crazy.

Ok, next on the list of random books I've come across:

The Encyclopedia of Meat Sciences

It's a three volume set!

And it's yours for the low low price of $867.00

And apparently it's well reviewed. Not sure who the fuck would be the one to review a book like this, but there you have it.

ISBN #: 012464970X

Enjoy!

Ok, so I have this really evil idea.

Well, it's not evil exactly, maybe you would call it twisted. Ok, maybe a little evil, a little twisted.. and well a WHOLE LOT PATHETIC.. but what do you expect from good ol' Twicksie.

Alright, so I was thinking about not feeling 'thin' this morning and contemplating my ongoing struggle with the muffin top and the whole world on online dating and dating in general.

Now, as you may know, in the world of dating, and the world of online dating there is supposedly someone for everyone and there are labels for all these sorts of people. There is a specification called "BBW" that stands for "Big Beautiful Women" and NOT THAT THERE' S *ANYTHING* WRONG WITH THAT, but I am pretty sure you have to be pretty darn big to fit into that category. And THANK GOD there are men out there that like all sorts of ladies, REALLY. I am not even being sarcastic here. Thank god.

Ok, now, I am *pretty* sure that I am not a BBW, however, I am also not in the 'slim/slender' 0% bodyfat category either. I mean, for fuck's sake, I've been sporting a muffin top for months now. But like BBW's are sporting like well.. alot more than just the top of a muffin.. Which IS OK! SERIOUSLY. If they are happy, *I* am happy for them, really. Ne judge pas!

Alright, so here's my evil/pathetic idea. I'm probably too big for those that prefer slim/slender ladies and have had quite enough of feeling crappy because of feeling like I don't fit into the bullshit crazy unrealistic ideals people seem to have in their heads that they must have to be attracted to someone. (Although admittedly, that may be just because I have a completely distorted self image and low self esteem, but, like, since when do I listen to my therapist? Sheesh!)

So, what if, WHAT IF! I answered ads for the BBW types, or even described myself as one and went out with the fellas that prefered the bigger ladies BUT THEN GOT REJECTED BECAUSE I WASN'T FAT ENOUGH.

Eh? Eh???

How's that for a fucked up idea? Yeah, I know, it's pretty fucked up. And I wouldn't want to fuck with the guys that are looking for plus sized love, because, seriously, as I mentioned before, GOD BLESS THEM, so that's where I feel like it's a little evil. But still...

"I'm sorry, this just won't work, you're just not big enough for me."

Or even, upon seeing me, the fellow in question exclaims in dismay, "You're not fat!"

That might feel REALLY GOOD.

(ok, now I'm sort of ashamed I told you about this, and I think I must be pretty crazy, but if you decide to try it, I wanna know how it goes..)

Folks.

Some students at my school made this FUCKING BRILLIANT video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzSc7t-Zf4A&search=boston%20runners

You'll pee your pants.

Sweah to GAWD.

Apparently there's a second one coming out where they actually run the Boston Marathon.

Jesus, it's a good time.

Enjoy!

Oh and also..

Is it possible to gain like 5 pounds a day?

Ok, just wondering.

I shit you not, I was going through a catalog to order books for my library (yeah, that's what librarians do, gotta problem with that?) and the following book caught my 'fancy':

Hermit Crab: Your Happy Healthy Pet

Ha!

Here's the description of this FASCINATING TOUR DE FORCE:

Hermit crabs are social creatures, so most owners have several. They grow, molt, climb, dig, and crawl. With colorful photos, charts, and tables, this practical guide provides information about care - including food, water, and daily misting - equipment, gravel, food, and water dishes, extra shells and more.

Ok, wow. Yes, well, I can imagine there'd be MORE! And more! And THANK FUCKING GOD there are colorful photos, charts, and tables in this practical guide, because LORD KNOWS, I would NOT be able to figure out how to deal with a Hermit Crab, my happy healthy pet without them.

There is no question that this book fills a real need in the world. A real IMMEDIATE NEED for a guide to rearing hermit crabs. It's a goddamn lifesaver this book.

the ISBN number is 0-471-79379-5

Just in case.