Ok, me and my muffintopcameltoe, would like you to know that:

YOU CAN'T FUCKING EAT IN THE FUCKING LIBRARY.

ugh.

Ok, sorry, I just.. I.. I.. I have to vent somewhere!

Oh the horror.

Ah yes, Spring has sprung (at least momentarily) here in Boston. This means I was able to put off doing laundry for yet another day and bust out some light weight spring-ish pants.

"Oh yes," I thought to myself when fastening them over my stomach... "Oh, and look, they still fit ok, despite the 4.673 pounds I need to loose. Ooh goodie, it won't be an ill-fitting pantalones day for Twicksie. Hooo-ray."

OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

I know there's no polite way to tell someone that they are sporting a camel toe situation, but how I wish there was. BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDED TO TELL ME.

Ugh.

So, I am off to get my lovely breakfast sandwich (around 11am, mind you, I've already been skipping about the library, BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF MY SHAME FOR 2 HOURS) and take a quick pitstop in the bathroom before going out.

What the? OH MAN! What do I see practically GLOWING in the mirror in front of me? Hello, hello vaginal indentation, perfectly outlined by the crotch of my pants. OH FUCKING HELLO. Fuck.

So, that's nice reaaaaallly nice. So so so so HAPPY to know that I have been flitting about letting alllll the students know what lies beneath. Very very HAPPY.

In the meantime, I am faced with the following 'conundrum' if you will. I either have the pants hiked up over that 4.673 pounds on my stomach so the waistband sits comfortably over it, but then, as described above, pulls on the crotchial area in such a way as to be EVER SO TERRIBLY revealing of my gender.

OR! I can pull down on the crotchial area of the pants and then wrentch the waistband of the pants over the top half of my 4.673 extra pounds and have a friggin muffin top* situation. Goddamn low rise pants. This is what you've done to me Britney Spears! You and your low riding pants!

Here is one of the few occasions that I wish I had bigger breasts. Or more PROTRUDING bullet type breasts. For then, then they would create a "tent-like" area underneath them so as to hide the muffin top. No one would be the wiser. Maybe I should get a padded bra for times such as these. Or those chicklet things. Keep them in my drawer at work and then whip them out when the muffin top pops out.

When the muffin pops out, the chicklets go in!

So, well, OBVIOUSLY I have chosen the muffin top situation over the camel toe situation. But I can't lie to you, neither is ideal.

And now, now I have to spend the rest of the day, perhaps month, well, let's be real, the rest of my life really, trying to cleanse my mind of the image of my ENORMOUS camel toe that I saw in the bathroom.

Can you use bleach in a neti pot?

At least I spared the children. God help the children. Keep them safe from ill-fitting pants and camel toes everywhere.




*muffin top = when a person (usually a woman) has an ample stomach area and is wearing pants that fit in the ass/leg area but the waistband cuts too tight right in the middle of the ample stomach area, either simply squeezing *in* the lower belly and then emphasising the upper belly which 'overfloweth' the top of the pants, or by *actually pushing up* the fat of the lower belly up into the upper belly and there by creating the fat overflow. Either way the resulting effect is that of a muffin having a trim muffin tin bottom and a protruding, "baked over the tin confines" "muffin top" top. Some people think this is sexy. Those people are wrong.

A CLARIFICATION:

Librarians do not HAVE all knowledge. We do not know EVERYTHING. We are not ALL KNOWING. We are not GOD (for lack of a better term).

If we were we sure as shit wouldn't be sitting here shooshing your goddamn ass.

No no, we do not KNOW everything, however! We know how to FIND everything.

It's close, but it takes a bit longer.

See the difference?

Good.

THANK GOD for this:

http://www.myspace.com/ninjatricks

and for this:

http://www.thebignoob.com/Blog/355/myspace-profile-hack

If you want some class and some good design, please go there. PLEASE.

And set your Sketchers on fire.

Thank you.

Ok so, MySpace sort of sucks.

And not for the reason you think I'm going to say. Like "oooh all those pedophiles have free access to all the little pre-teens they want."

No, that is not my concern.

No, my concern is how FUCKING UGLY IT IS.

Jesus! Are we in 1996? Could there be more fugly animated gifs and weird horrifying layouts with awful content obscuring backgrounds? I mean MY GOD. MY GOD IN HEAVEN IT'S UGLY.

I could write a whole THESIS on how it's taken web design back a good 10 years and how utterly offensive it is to my visual sense. Not to mention usability. Yeah, I'd love to SCROLL FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES TO SEE IF YOU'RE SINGLE OR NOT. I'd *love* to. Can we have the important stats up top, please? Above all of the ENORMOUS GIFS of all of your favorite movie posters that show what a stupid tasteless moron you are?

Sure, you can customize it to make it look LESS ugly. But really, it's pretty damn ugly no matter what you do. That strict two column layout that just scrolls down forever, the hard edges on the various boxes and outlines, the varied size of one's friend icons all wiggity and shit, fucking up the layout of things.. The ability to post comments with a photo the SIZE OF AFRICA. I don't need to see that spiderman dancing animated gif QUITE that big, but thanks. The font choices seem tragic, the icons are just like straight out of a clip art library from like 1992, oh MAN, now I'm getting all agitated just thinking about it. AGITATED!

It's no wonder that the youngsters like it, because seriously, it looks like some 7th grader, no no, A 5TH GRADER, did the code for it. And the potential for it to look like some fucked up scrap book of a 11 year old is really really high.

Honestly, I just really don't want to know that you have such bad taste. I really don't. And I don't think the world should have to know either. So, keep your fairy backgrounds and your creepy pictures of animals with human faces photoshopped on them AWAY FROM ME.

And go buy yourself a pair of Sketchers while you're at it. You deserve each other.

Just a couple of recent life lessons from the land of the Twicksie.

1. Wearing pants that are too tight WILL RUIN YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING* DAY.

2. Sometimes NO MATTER HOW GODDAMN FUCKING* HARD YOU TRY, you just don't get what you want.


*This post brought to you by the phrase "goddamn fucking". Which, by the way, is so GODDAMN FUCKING IRONIC, you have no idea. feh.

Sometimes, times like right now, for instance.

I RUE the day, I RUE IT, that the fucking internet was invented.

Goddamn Al Gore.

Goddammit!

Isn' t there anyone.. ANYONE out there that actually wants what they CAN have?

Anyone?

Seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously...

If you sprinkle when you tinkle PLEASE be neat and wipe the seat.

SERIOUSLY.

To alllllll the people who are currently, and have previously, picked themselves a winner (and by this I mean digging for gold in their own personal goldmine (and by this I mean picking a goddamn booger)) whilst driving in their cars, I have this to say:

I CAN SEE YOU.

WE CAN ALL SEE YOU.


For chrissakes! You do not have tinted windows, my friend, and I have eyes, so let's all keep our fingers OUT OF OUR NOSES.

If I had a damn dollar for EVERY TIME I have seen this act occur, well.. I'd have a lot of fucking dollars.

I mean, I've done it, sure, I'll admit it.. but at least AT LEAST I have a looksee around to see if I will be witnessed. Much as if I were PICKING MY NOSE ON THE GODDAMN STREET because that's BASICALLY what you are doing.

So, please, for the love of god, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, please stop it.