Ok, today, I logged into my email account and there were SIXTY NINE MESSAGES IN MY BULK MAILBOX.

HA!

GET IT??? GET IT??

SIXTY NINE?

BULK MAILBOX?

69 IN MY BOX?

GET IT?

whewie.. god DAMMIT that's some funny stuff.. FUNNY STUFF!

Ok, so, a couple posts back, I refered to myself as a bitter dried up old hag.. which now I have actual documented proof of. If me writing a story of something that just happened to me counts as documented proof, but fuck it, I say it does!

Lord help me, I wish this weren't a true story.

So, (now remember this is hotel overshare, so don't get all squimish on me) I am pulling down my tights and underwear and hiking up my skirt and sitting on la toilet (that's FRENCH for the TOILET, I'm trying to be delicate here, I really am) and as I begin the squatting on the toilet sitting motion, a MOTH comes flying up from what seems to be my nether regions.

Ok, beyond the fact that it's disturbing that a moth seems to have found it's way into my nether regions (see? nothing but the most delicate of references, really..) and a moth is FUCKING INSECT, let's look at the more symbolic implications, want to?

So, places that are UNDISTURBED for LONG PERIODS OF TIME contain MOTHS. OLD CLOSETS (you can make the connection there, I'm sure) that LAY DORMANT for YEARS (again, let's connect the dots) and then are SUDDENLY DISTURBED CONTAIN MOTHS.

Get it? No? Let me break it down for you:

Basically, it is has been SO LONG since I'VE BEEN LAID, THERE ARE MOTHS FLYING OUT OF MY CROTCH.

I'm sorry, but there it is.

And now, because of this admission (which I'm sure will contribute to my ongoing superhero status (see previous post)) this trend of my CLOSET being UNDISTURBED will CONTINUE INDEFINITELY. Making a happy home for moths for years to come!

Happy holidays everyone!

So, I think... I think if I was a superhero my name would be:

THE ALIENATOR!

Overshares in a single sentence!

Can make even the most relaxed open person shut down and uncomfortable in seconds flat!

Makes whole rooms full of people squirm with anxiety in their seats with a swish of her hip!

Previously interested men run at the sound of her life's story!

She's the ALIENATOR!

Got a room full of fun loving happy people you just can't stand? Send in the ALIENATOR, she'll get the job done right!

**************************************
That reminds me of a little story:

I knew a guy in college who went to so many parties (it's true, he was at every single party I ever went to... he must be able to astrally project or something) that he would often times get bored. One time, he told me about a game he would play with himself (hey! minds out of the gutter people!) to 'spice things up' when a party was lagging. It's called "Let's clear out the kitchen!".

Basically, as you may know, at college parties, and at parties not in college, people tend to gather in the kitchen as a safe haven. This is for many reasons including the fact that it's generally where the alchohol is kept, thereby enabling the social lubrication of drinking. And also because the kitchen is a little bit outside the main party action, but still gets enough traffic that you can mix n' mingle, but at a kinder gentler pace. You can also huddle in a small grouping with your friends that you came to the party with and not deal with anyone else, but still say you went out that night.

But let's be real, shall we? It's cuz' that's where the alchohol is.

It's hard to drive people away from where the alchohol is at a party, but this guy, this guy had it down to a science.

He would go into the kitchen, and systematically chat up every single person that was there until they couldn't deal and had to flee the safe confines of the kitchen.

I'm not sure what he would say to them, although, one time, I watched him do it. I think he might of just bored them so much they couldn't stand it. Or maybe he would change his technique depending on his victim.

Little did they know that he would be timing how long it would take for them to excuse themselves and get the hell out of that kitchen. It was a sight to behold.

*************************************************

So, really, I am just playing "Let's clear out the kitchen!", where "kitchen" stands for "my whole life" and there is a silent "of all men that are even vaguely interested in me" at the end of the sentence. It's there, it's just not PRONOUNCED. Don't you just LOVE those silent sentence endings? It makes you wish more things were put into writing, don't it?

Welcome! Welcome to the world of the ALIENATOR!

I wonder what my outfit should be?

Ok, I need to get something off my chest (huh huh, I said 'chest')..

I hate Sketchers.

I hate everything about them. I HATE them.

Why don't you go their website and have a look at the shoes they offer. I did. And I hate every goddamn shoe on that site. Every last one. Even their fucking website is ugly.

You want cool kicks? Some hip trainers? Are these them?

No.

If you're thinking, "Those aren't that bad, they're kind of nice." You're wrong.

Go get yourself some taste, some self respect, and some Pumas.

What? You gonna go running in those sorry-ass FAKE running shoes? Good luck with that. And enjoy those shin-splints, you dumb-ass.

Want to add a little 'punk-rock' edge to your khakis and your button down? Maybe with these, or these?

JESUS, ever heard of Campers? Doc Martins? Shell out the extra thirty bucks, PLEASE.

Have I mentioned I hate them?

If I am checking out a guy, and I make my way down to the shoes (fellas, you HAVE to know it's all about the shoes) and I see that taletale ugly fonted nasty 'S' on the side, and that characteristic "trying-to-be-hip-but-just-not-making-it-imitation-of-actual-cool-shoes" style, I can tell you right now, that I will assume that that guy is a no taste, no class, loser in life.

I hate them that much.

You might think this is funny, or that I'm sort of kidding. But the thing is, I am dead serious.

I would never kid about something so visually and aesthetically offensive.

Never.

Here's their new slogan:

Sketchers: Loser Shoes for People With no Taste.

I think that says it all.

So, I'm feeling cranky and very prolific right now (I hope to god that's the right word, I'm not very 'vocab savvy' sometimes) so let's get this party started, shall we?

Ok, first post!

Has anyone noticed that the world is turning into a big porno?

But, of course, mostly for the women in our audience, the men get to just be the observer, as usual. There are some exceptions to this, but let's be real.

There aren't any T.V. shows on where there's a heavy set woman who is average looking that is married to a totally smoking hot guy. I don't have to tell you there are plenty where the opposite is true.

I mean like everyone (and when I say 'everyone' I don't even know who I mean, people I see on the street, I guess, out at bars, on the T, I dunno) wants to be the hottttttest teen sluttt ever.

The way technology and the idea that people have these personas online to portray themselves however they want, and most of them want to get a good score on 'am I hot or not'.

I'm not saying this just because I'm some bitter dried up old hag (even though I am, ahem), but because like whatever happened to all the other aspects of being an interesting human being?

Extreme makeovers give people with INTERESTING AWESOME FACES the chance to look like fucking Miss Teen Slut USA.

Those shows would give the MONA LISA A CHIN IMPLANT AND SOME NICE VENEERS. ugh..

Goddamn reality shows blurring the line between who's a professional teen slut and who's a real one.

But like, when did that become so great? When did it become considered cool to only be interesting because you're fuckable? Jesus, even the hippies have a weird porn slut edge these days.

God, whatever happened to being a real goddamn person, like with flaws that are cool and charming?

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE GODDAMN 70'S?!?!?!?! FOR CHRISSAKES? WHEN THERE WAS JUST ONE OR TWO TEEN SLUTS RUNNING AROUND AND THE REST OF US WERE ALLOWED TO BE QUIRKY AND HUMAN AND INTERESTING? ugh...

Maybe I'm romanticizing the 70's, but even in the 80's, THE 80's! I feel like it was still considered a bad thing to be shallow.

I saw an old movie the other day where someone was worried that people would think they were shallow. I remember thinking,"Why does that seem weird?" and it's because 'shallow' is barely in the cultural vocabulary anymore, at least in it's original negative form.

It's like 'Yeah, I'm shallow' as in you won't date no ugly fat chicks. *High five*!, asshole.

Doesn't anyone read Jane Austin anymore? Charlotte Bronte?

And don't get me started about what happened to feminism... What *did* happen? I know that we have evolved from the idea that women that want to be taken seriously and who are interested in being fully actualized human beings aren't unshaven she-males, but do they have to be porn stars now?

It's so sad and fucked up. We have more power than we have ever had, more money, more ability to take care of ourselves, and so because the insecure consumer is a spending consumer, because our daddy's didn't pay enough attention to us, and because it's the last way to make us feel like shit, now we have to all look like Jenna Jameson too. Or be a girl gone wild, or whateverthefuck.

If it truly were about women exploring their sexuality and their sexual power, it would be something to celebrate. I don't really even believe in the word 'slut', I think we should be able to screw as many people as we damn well please (just so long as it doesn't get all Michael Douglas sexaddict up in there). But it doesn't feel empowering to me. I think it's only empowering to people that feel like they live up to whatever standard is being held up for us to reach for, and I don't know anyone that feels like they do.

So, now it's not enough to be smart and successful, you also have to make plenty sure that you really really hot too.

DON'T FORGET YOUR THONG!

I know this woman who is smart and seemingly very successful, competent and moving up in her profession, but she is OBSESSED with being 'bikini ready'. She won't eat in front of men. Actually, she won't eat in front of ANYONE. She goes on popcorn and soy shake diets. She spends so much time and effort making sure that she is 'hot', that if she didn't give quite as much of a shit about it she could seriously be the next president of the United States. The saddest thing of all is, NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY.

Better just give up that job and the right to vote, because what's the point if you haven't been selected to 'compete' on the next season of 'The Bachelor'?

Because what the hell are you worth if no one wants to stick their dick into you?

Or perhaps I should rephrase that..

What the hell are you worth if EVERYONE doesn't want to stick their dick into you?

Ladies, if you aren't seriously being considered for a worldwide gangbang, better throw in the towel now, because you're fucked, and not in a porn way.

I told you I was cranky.