Ah yes, Spring has sprung (at least momentarily) here in Boston. This means I was able to put off doing laundry for yet another day and bust out some light weight spring-ish pants.

"Oh yes," I thought to myself when fastening them over my stomach... "Oh, and look, they still fit ok, despite the 4.673 pounds I need to loose. Ooh goodie, it won't be an ill-fitting pantalones day for Twicksie. Hooo-ray."

OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

I know there's no polite way to tell someone that they are sporting a camel toe situation, but how I wish there was. BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDED TO TELL ME.

Ugh.

So, I am off to get my lovely breakfast sandwich (around 11am, mind you, I've already been skipping about the library, BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF MY SHAME FOR 2 HOURS) and take a quick pitstop in the bathroom before going out.

What the? OH MAN! What do I see practically GLOWING in the mirror in front of me? Hello, hello vaginal indentation, perfectly outlined by the crotch of my pants. OH FUCKING HELLO. Fuck.

So, that's nice reaaaaallly nice. So so so so HAPPY to know that I have been flitting about letting alllll the students know what lies beneath. Very very HAPPY.

In the meantime, I am faced with the following 'conundrum' if you will. I either have the pants hiked up over that 4.673 pounds on my stomach so the waistband sits comfortably over it, but then, as described above, pulls on the crotchial area in such a way as to be EVER SO TERRIBLY revealing of my gender.

OR! I can pull down on the crotchial area of the pants and then wrentch the waistband of the pants over the top half of my 4.673 extra pounds and have a friggin muffin top* situation. Goddamn low rise pants. This is what you've done to me Britney Spears! You and your low riding pants!

Here is one of the few occasions that I wish I had bigger breasts. Or more PROTRUDING bullet type breasts. For then, then they would create a "tent-like" area underneath them so as to hide the muffin top. No one would be the wiser. Maybe I should get a padded bra for times such as these. Or those chicklet things. Keep them in my drawer at work and then whip them out when the muffin top pops out.

When the muffin pops out, the chicklets go in!

So, well, OBVIOUSLY I have chosen the muffin top situation over the camel toe situation. But I can't lie to you, neither is ideal.

And now, now I have to spend the rest of the day, perhaps month, well, let's be real, the rest of my life really, trying to cleanse my mind of the image of my ENORMOUS camel toe that I saw in the bathroom.

Can you use bleach in a neti pot?

At least I spared the children. God help the children. Keep them safe from ill-fitting pants and camel toes everywhere.




*muffin top = when a person (usually a woman) has an ample stomach area and is wearing pants that fit in the ass/leg area but the waistband cuts too tight right in the middle of the ample stomach area, either simply squeezing *in* the lower belly and then emphasising the upper belly which 'overfloweth' the top of the pants, or by *actually pushing up* the fat of the lower belly up into the upper belly and there by creating the fat overflow. Either way the resulting effect is that of a muffin having a trim muffin tin bottom and a protruding, "baked over the tin confines" "muffin top" top. Some people think this is sexy. Those people are wrong.