Ok, it's NOT FUCKING GODDAMN CHRISTMAS YET!

Deck youR MOM with boughs of BULLSHIT!

FUCK!

So last night, out to dinner with Jjohn, I 'scored' a free entree AND free desserts for both of us.

Nice! *Arm pump*! *High five*!

"Really, Twicksie?" You may be thinking, "I wonder how you did that? Because as you know there are only a very few circumstances that would provide for such an amazing and rich bounty of free goodness."

Yes, dear reader, you are correct.

Let's go over some of those circumstances and see if we can't get to the bottom of why I received such freebies, yes?

1. I knew the waiter/owner/bartender of the restaurant we were at. -- NO!

2. I had a gift certificate that I got for a holiday and/or birthday type of situation. -- SO COLD!

3. I had put my business card into the fishbowl and been the lucky winner of a free entree and dessert. -- EVEN COLDER!

4. I found a coupon for a free entree and dessert online somewhere and actually was cheezy enough to bring it to the restaurant. -- MAIS NON!

5. The waitress spilled a beverage all over me and/or my dining companion or some version of that scenario. -- WAAARMER..

6. The waitress, before actually presenting us with our food does something to it that makes it inedible and so let's us know that they will have to remake it. -- VERY WARM (this *did* actually happen, but I think that would have only provided us with the free desserts)

7. We finally DO get our meals, and whilst stuffing my linguine with meat sauce into my desperately hungry gullet, I spy with my little eye wee curly antennae. NO, not of a tiny radio, in my sauce, not THAT type of antennae.. no, no, and oh look! Little COCKROACH LEGS (attached to an actual cockroach - which was cooked, so hey! extra protein, right?) ALL CURLED UP AND DEAD IN MY GODDAMN FOOD. --- DING DING DING! HOTTER THAN HADES! WE HAVE A WINNER!

So, yes, dear readers, I was on my own 'very special' episode of Fear Factor last night, unbeknownst to me until it was almost too late.

Yes, I like to think it was ALMOST too late and that I did not actually EAT any cockroaches. I like to believe this and I think you'll grant me this denial out of the kindness of your hearts.

And so, I drank an EXTRA big helping of wine - to disinfect my stomach and mouthparts - and carefully ate my free tiramisu, checking for bugs the whole time and trying not to puke at the table.

It was, truly yucky.

However, the plus side is that I am no longer having flashbacks to the final day of the stool sampling - which was VERY rough... oooh so rough - and now I am having flashbacks to the roach in my food.

Slightly less disgusting, so I'll take it.

Enjoy your food!

Look closely at this image and tell me what you *might* think is, well, amiss...

Can you see? Off to the right there? It's a little blurry but apparently you can "shop and compare great deals on Partial Birth Abortions" at monstermarketplace.com.

Sweet! Gotta bookmark THAT site.

Ahh technology, will you ever grow a brain?

Ah to wake up today to several miraculous discoveries...

1. A black man is governor of Massachusetts.

2. The Democrats are THIS close to taking over Congress.

3. South Dakota didn't ban abortion.

AND!

4. Britney Spears finally dumped K-Fed.

NICE!

It is, in fact, a day of glorious happenings.

I'm very sure this topic has been covered ad nauseum in other forums and/or blogs and/or personal conversations allllll over the woooooorld.

But I don't care.

I STILL want to discuss WHY PEOPLE WRITE EMAILS AND COMMENTS AND DIGITAL COMMUNICATIONS OF ALL SORTS IN ALL CAPS.

It hurts me.

Why do they do it? Most often, these people are not yelling in their writings. They do not mean to sound like they are yelling. They are not *meaning* to day "FUCK YOU!" at the top of their lungs when they are writing things like "THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY CAKE, YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD COOK, I'LL GET YOU BACK WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY COMES AROUND. LOVE YA! TWICKSIE"

However, it sorta seems like they ARE saying "FUCK YOU!" at the top of their lungs and it hurts me. It hurts my eyes and my head and my heart.

Do they not realize they have hit their All Caps button and just keep typing away blissfully? Are these the same people that keep their turn signal on for MILES and MILES no knowing it is on? Is it those people? Like my grandparents? Or your grandparents? Or people that have no business being near a keyboard, let alone a computer, at all?

Or do they have some sort of text editor that automatically converts things into ALL CAPS?

Does AOL dialup make things into all caps? (Does AOL dialup even exist anymore?) That would combine both of my theories TOGETHER.

These people irk me. As do their writings in the all capital land.

Now I must nap to get past the pain.

Oh and day three of the stool sampling was rough. Very rough. LOT'S OF SAMPLING TO BE DONE ON DAY THREE. SO MANY MANY TUBES AND SAMPLES. (AND YES I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS NOW BECAUSE I SORT OF CAN'T STOP MYSELF AFTER HAVING THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALOT AND HOW WEIRD AND ANNOYING IT IS. BUT I'M DOING IT IRONICALLY, SO THAT MAKES ME DOING IT OK. SEE HOW THAT WORKS? HAVE I MENTIONED STOOL SAMPLE? OH RIGHT, YES, I HAVE.)

But it's all done now.

and so's this post.

Ok, more friend blog plugging.

My dear oldest friend a one Miss T-Bird, has a blog and I likey it alot.

It lives here: http://www.twilightspy.blogspot.com/

And it's OK that you went as a zombie.. Full face makeup counts as a real costume.

I also have been forgetting alot. But I blame my HORRENDOUS thyroid problem (the non-exisistent one, but not if my stool sample has anything to say about it! Dammit!).

Ok, end rambling.

tah.

Oh and!

Check out Jjohn and his friend's podcast:

http://pseudocertainty.com/

Listen to the dulcet tones of Jjohn's voice and know why I love him.

Oh and he's wicked smaht. Wicked.

Fuck the supplements!

I'm getting it the old fashioned way!

Yeehaw!

Well, hello.

I meant to write this yesterday but I was TOO JAZZED UP ON SUGAR to concentrate. Now I'm only *slightly* jazzed up on sugar, so it's a little easier to settle down. A little.

So, I know it's November 1st which is SO not Halloween anymore, but I have some things to say about the festivities of yesteryore.

Ok, as you may know, I work at an ART SCHOOL. Now, you might think, GREAT! all the kiddies are going to really bust out the jams for some SWEET COSTUMES, I mean they ALEADY *almost* wear costumes EVERY DAY, why not jack it up to 11 and call it Halloween, right?

WRONG.

I swear to God (oh yes, I SWORE TO GOD! But wait Jesus freaks, there's more to offend you later in this post, stay tuned and clutch your bible to your scandalized needing-to-get-a-life-close-minded-uptight hearts, don't let go!) the faculty and staff dressed up WAY more than the students.

I was SORELY disappointed. I mean, the ones that DID dress up, were GOOD. One kid wore a 'french maid' outfit and he is a 6'2'' guy and wow, I was impressed and wondered where he got the platform shoes in that size (mostly cuz' I would want to know for my own Sasquatch feet, sigh..). So, good.

But folks, simply wearing 'ears' or 'horns' or a 'wacky colored wig' or 'dressing slutty'. DOES NOT MAKE A COSTUME. Plu-eeez. Grow some balls and wear the whole damn thing. Feh. ESPECIALLY if you are ALREADY an art fag that people stare at all the time anyway.

Why do you think I don't care? I grew up being stared at for my stupid outfits, so no big whoop!

Kids these days! They have no idea the work us older punkrock/artfags did for them. None!

So, just for the record, the entire library staff (minus one who had his own thing going on) dressed as nuns (could we have a defibulator 'up in here' for the Jesus freaks please. Oh and don't bother letting me know I'm going to hell, there's PLENTY of other stuff -- legal stuff, not "Jesus-freak" "legal" -- I've done, not chronicled in this here blog that has made me qualified for that) And we looked DAMN GOOD.

I stayed up until 12 am the night before putting together the wimples (look it up) and I gotta say, we were convincing. My coworker and I actually had someone ask if we were real nuns when we were out to lunch. Because UNLIKE ALL YOU PUSSIES OUT THERE we wore our costumes ALL DAY LONG. Damn!

Now, here's a costume that I love:

http://www.tmz.com/photos/hollywood-halloween-2006/80632/

Some dude in Hollywood. Brilliant.

Oh AND driving through the town I work in going home last night, there were throngs of little kids in their costumes. Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. So fucking cute, I COULD DIE.

These two little kids were being held by their parents and they BOTH had on Yoda outfits. Two little Yodas!

If I have kids, I am going to buy up every last cute kiddie costume I can find and just dress my baby as different shit everyday. All year long. Today you are a pea in a pod! Tomorrow a little bear! The next day an elephant!

Oh yeah.. can't wait.

Ok, I have no good dismount for this post, so remember, next year, don't be a pussy, put on an outfit, and let's all gird our loins for the pie eating (tee hee that sounds VERY DIRTY) later this month.

Oh and I found out I have to collect stool samples (of my own) for a test I'm having done. The holiday fun is already beginning!

There. There's my dismount.