Right now, I'm searching for the perfect Powerpoint background for a presentation I have to do next week.

As I've been looking through various libraries of backgrounds, I'm noticing something.

Do people do ALOT of presentations with '4th of July' themes?

Like is that a BIG THING?

Do people's fiscal years end on the 4th of July each year? Do people bust out the Powerpoint on 4th of July SPECIFICALLY to use these backgrounds? Is this some sort of underground movement I should be aware of?

Cuz' from what I'm seeing there is a HUGE need for 4th of July Powerpoint backgrounds. HUGE.

Oh, actually, let me rephrase that.. There is a HUGE NEED for really really REALLY ugly 4th of July Powerpoint backgrounds.

Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!

Ohmygod, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!!!!!

I have sunk to a NEW ALL TIME LOW.

I am currently watching the Victoria's Secret "Fashion" Show on television. Jesus Christ, I need cable. GOD HELP ME, I AM WATCHING THE VICTORIA'S SECRET "FASHION" SHOW.

Ugh and it's not even COMING IN THAT WELL ON MY T.V.

I'm not even like a *little* gay, this does NOTHING FOR ME.

And yet, here I am.

And! The 'tour de force' of the show is having FUCKING SEAL sing his big hit song from like what? like 1992? ooh we're never going to survive, this Victoria's Secret "Fashion" Show unlessssss, we get a little bit craaaa-zy! Yeah, no shitting.

Wow, Heidi it's so special to hear about how you feel about having your passe pop star husband (he *is* pretty hot, I'm not saying he's not hot) here with you while you show off your twat to the world. It's so so SO special.

Now they've got Snoop Dog sampled with some like Enya or some shit. Or like the Bonanza theme or something..

Oooh! Heidi just gave us a seductive look, I've practically got a HARD ON.

Wow! Now some of the models are trying to talk and sound a little bit like they've had a stroke. Oh wait, no, no, they are just foreign, my bad.

"Neext, I vill be varing an outfeet made compleeeetleeee out uf cahndy!"

Fantastic!

Oh no they didn't!!!! No no no! Now they are BUTCHERING Bow Wow Wow and having the 'girls' prance through gigantic candy canes...

Hmm.. do all their bras come with ENORMOUS angel wings? Might be hard to fit under a sweater. Is that their attempt to like try and raise the level of this thing to "fashion". It's not soft-core porn! They have wings! It's art!

Ok, this is a direct quote about dear Tyra Banks' last runway show: Her assets are an asset to us.

Um.. hahahahah AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He had STRAIGHT FACE!

Alright, so I have to break something to you, Heidi Klum is totally totally not very smart. I KNOW that English is her second language but jesus Heidi, TRY to say something vaguely interesting. Tell me about your bikini wax, ANYTHING, you are SO BORING.

Oooh, now gay Ricky Martin (come on, please, it's so obvious, ESPECIALLY watching this...) is doing his thing on the runway... wait? are those models? or dancers? what's going on?!?!??! Models can't dance!!!! I really think he might not even have a penis. He's singing "drop it on me".. and then mumbling something in Spanish.. Now some chick (ALSO not a model, what the fuck!) is singing 'right here right here, i like it on myself' in Spanish. This is so exciting!!!!

oooh next is SEXY TOYS. Ok, what do you want to bet it isn't what I'm hoping it is...

Ok ok, they are back... oooh crisis! Carolina is MISSING! They need her now! To shake her booty! Ok ok ok, jesus, thank GOD, they found her, crisis averted.

LOLOLOLOL! OH MY GOD! hahahahahaha now they are little 'soldier boys' in bras! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If I were a woman in the military I would be sooo offended.

Carolina has a GUN! HOT!

oooh, poor Naomi.. no one is even mentioning her.. she's lucky to have the job.. so sad.. although she looks good..

Ok, so they are allowed to smile, and I frankly don't like my models with ANY personality. I'm going to have to request they stop that.

Tyra has a HUGE SCEPTOR and it looks like she might lick it.. aww.. she didn't...

Ok, so what happened to the damn sexy toys?

GRAND FINALE! Models models models! Strutty strutting! Now attempting to be 'wacky'. I HATE it when hot chicks try to be funny. Ladies, let's just admit it, you've never had to have a personality, why try now?

It was beyoooond beautiful perfect amazing!

Oh the end is fake Heidi bloopers. Heidi trying to be funny. OOH IT HURTS. Please please stop, Heidi... not funny... just just... please stop..

Ok, phew... it's over.. now Dr. Phil is going to help me with "Love Smarts". He's going to help me 'bag 'em tag 'em and take 'em home'. Oooh goodie!

Ok, I'm ashamed at a new level... This actually sounds interesting.

Oh hello, person serving me my soup at the local soup establishment.

Hello.

Perhaps you do not hear so well, person serving me my soup at the local soup establishment.

Perhaps you do not.

For when I ask you to give me 'as much meat as humanly possible' in my chicken soup, you seem to think I am saying that I want 'as many potatoes in my soup as humanly possible'.

I know that this must mean you have a problem with your hearing, person serving my soup at the local soup establishment. Or perhaps the part of the country from which you come the word 'meat' is slang for 'potatoes'.

Perhaps this is the case.

It's time you learned something, person serving me at the local soup establishment, oh yes...

POTATOES DO NOT EQUAL CHICKEN.

They just don't.

Thank you for your time.

Ok, yeah.. so..

Update on that shooshing thing?

I still hate it.

I think that says it all, don't you?

So, I believe in karma within one's lifetime for many reasons, but here's a more recent example of why.

As some may know, and other may not know, I now work in a library and am an actual librarian. Oh yes, yes, it's true. No more client hugging for me, no more clients in general!

I LOVE my job.. I truly do. For the first time in my life, I love my job... However, there is one thing I do not love:

The shooshing.

Lord help me, I DESPISE 'shooshing' people. I truly hate it. I hate having to walk up to a group of INSOUCIANT (that's french for 'pain in the ass') college kids and remind them to use their library voices. I cringe at the mere thought of it.

It makes me feel like an asshole in so many ways. Especially REPEATED SHOOSHING OF THE SAME GROUP OF KIDS. Oh god, help me, I hate it.

But you know what? Guess what? I was once a the resident chatty cathy of all libraries I entered. I WAS THE ONE BEING SHOOSHED.

I admit it. I was bad.. I giggled during study hall in the library in high school. I talked with my friends in the dorm library in college, I EVEN TOOK CHATTING LIBRARY LIBERTIES IN LIBRARY SCHOOL.

And now, now I know the pain I have caused. I now see.

And now, God, or Krishna, or whomever is in charge of these things, is making damn sure I pay for it.

I am a professional shoosher. Oh the torture.