Ohmygod, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!!!!!

I have sunk to a NEW ALL TIME LOW.

I am currently watching the Victoria's Secret "Fashion" Show on television. Jesus Christ, I need cable. GOD HELP ME, I AM WATCHING THE VICTORIA'S SECRET "FASHION" SHOW.

Ugh and it's not even COMING IN THAT WELL ON MY T.V.

I'm not even like a *little* gay, this does NOTHING FOR ME.

And yet, here I am.

And! The 'tour de force' of the show is having FUCKING SEAL sing his big hit song from like what? like 1992? ooh we're never going to survive, this Victoria's Secret "Fashion" Show unlessssss, we get a little bit craaaa-zy! Yeah, no shitting.

Wow, Heidi it's so special to hear about how you feel about having your passe pop star husband (he *is* pretty hot, I'm not saying he's not hot) here with you while you show off your twat to the world. It's so so SO special.

Now they've got Snoop Dog sampled with some like Enya or some shit. Or like the Bonanza theme or something..

Oooh! Heidi just gave us a seductive look, I've practically got a HARD ON.

Wow! Now some of the models are trying to talk and sound a little bit like they've had a stroke. Oh wait, no, no, they are just foreign, my bad.

"Neext, I vill be varing an outfeet made compleeeetleeee out uf cahndy!"

Fantastic!

Oh no they didn't!!!! No no no! Now they are BUTCHERING Bow Wow Wow and having the 'girls' prance through gigantic candy canes...

Hmm.. do all their bras come with ENORMOUS angel wings? Might be hard to fit under a sweater. Is that their attempt to like try and raise the level of this thing to "fashion". It's not soft-core porn! They have wings! It's art!

Ok, this is a direct quote about dear Tyra Banks' last runway show: Her assets are an asset to us.

Um.. hahahahah AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He had STRAIGHT FACE!

Alright, so I have to break something to you, Heidi Klum is totally totally not very smart. I KNOW that English is her second language but jesus Heidi, TRY to say something vaguely interesting. Tell me about your bikini wax, ANYTHING, you are SO BORING.

Oooh, now gay Ricky Martin (come on, please, it's so obvious, ESPECIALLY watching this...) is doing his thing on the runway... wait? are those models? or dancers? what's going on?!?!??! Models can't dance!!!! I really think he might not even have a penis. He's singing "drop it on me".. and then mumbling something in Spanish.. Now some chick (ALSO not a model, what the fuck!) is singing 'right here right here, i like it on myself' in Spanish. This is so exciting!!!!

oooh next is SEXY TOYS. Ok, what do you want to bet it isn't what I'm hoping it is...

Ok ok, they are back... oooh crisis! Carolina is MISSING! They need her now! To shake her booty! Ok ok ok, jesus, thank GOD, they found her, crisis averted.

LOLOLOLOL! OH MY GOD! hahahahahaha now they are little 'soldier boys' in bras! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If I were a woman in the military I would be sooo offended.

Carolina has a GUN! HOT!

oooh, poor Naomi.. no one is even mentioning her.. she's lucky to have the job.. so sad.. although she looks good..

Ok, so they are allowed to smile, and I frankly don't like my models with ANY personality. I'm going to have to request they stop that.

Tyra has a HUGE SCEPTOR and it looks like she might lick it.. aww.. she didn't...

Ok, so what happened to the damn sexy toys?

GRAND FINALE! Models models models! Strutty strutting! Now attempting to be 'wacky'. I HATE it when hot chicks try to be funny. Ladies, let's just admit it, you've never had to have a personality, why try now?

It was beyoooond beautiful perfect amazing!

Oh the end is fake Heidi bloopers. Heidi trying to be funny. OOH IT HURTS. Please please stop, Heidi... not funny... just just... please stop..

Ok, phew... it's over.. now Dr. Phil is going to help me with "Love Smarts". He's going to help me 'bag 'em tag 'em and take 'em home'. Oooh goodie!

Ok, I'm ashamed at a new level... This actually sounds interesting.