I was sitting in my 'office' (if you want to know why that's in quotes, well.. you'll never know, unless you know me, in which case, you'll find it somewhat amusing. not like TOTALLY amusing, but somewhat).

Ok, so I was sitting in my 'office' where the heat seems to have stopped working and I realized something. It's sorta gross, so if you're squeamish about um.. genitalia, you might want to stop reading now.

So, I realized that the female equivalent of saying you are freezing your balls off is to say you are freezing your labia off. Or like labial flaps, or something horrifying like that.

Did she just say 'labial flaps'? Oh yes, yes she did.

I'm all for like reclaiming vocabulary relating to female genitalia and making it not seem so 'icky', but I dunno... I think that is just a little too much.

And so, dear reader, this is why I decided to share it with you. Enjoy!

Seriously..

Can I get a show of hands for all the other party people out there that do this?

Aaaallll the other people that actually MAKE UP FAKE FANTASY SOCIAL SCENARIOS to be worried about. So much so that they can't sleep.

Show of hands? Anyone?

Something like 'ooh well, WHAT IF I decide that the guy that I'm FAKE DATING isn't as cool as this other guy that I HAVEN'T EVEN MET AND DOESN'T EXIST THAT I MIGHT ALSO LIKE TO FAKE DATE?'

I mean like, WHAT THEN? That could be like TOTALLY awkward, right?

Um, do they give out lobotomies with flu shots yet? Could I maybe get in on that?

Or have they run out of LOBOTOMIES TOO? UGH...

It's SO not easy being green, people, it's sooooooo not easy..

Ok, something else to consider is this:

potatoes 'do not equal' chicken.

They just sure as shit don't.

Think about it for a minute.

Especially you, person in charge of a particular soup establishment near where I work. Think long and hard about how potatoes and chicken are not equal.

Do not tell me that a soup is 'chicken pot pie' when in fact it is 'potato pot pie'. Do you think I do not know the difference? Do you think I AM A FOOL?

Do, not, person serving me this soup with a smile, look me in the eye and say that it is good enough for a filling hearty meal. Do not do this.

Do not do this because I happen to know something that you seem to not understand or want to know for yourself and that is this:

potatoes DO NOT EQUAL chicken.

Oh hi there.

*I've* 'decided' that sitting up late at night, worrying about random shit that really doesn't matter is ACTUALLY the key to eternal happiness.

Seriously, and as a special added "good time bonus", it's GREAT FUN!

AND when you've had enough, you can drink to stop the spinning whirring thoughts in your head.

The buddha had nothin' on me, baby...

Monkey mind is the answer my friends! Bring on the chatter brain action!

I'm lovin' it! McDonald's style! Awwwww yeeeaaaahhhh....

Ok, ok, what a difference 3 hours of sleep makes..

Really.

I apologize for the previous pity party posts.

Today, I am happy. Despite my complete lack of nocturnal resting.

This morning, this morning for chrissakes, the sun was shining, the leaves were all firey and gorgeous and Journey was playing on the radio.

And in the infamous words of Bachelor Bob, "If you say you don't like Journey, you're a goddamn liar."

So true, Bob. So true.

DON'T STOP BEEEEELIEEEVIN'! WHOOOAAA OOOOH OOOOOOHHHH!

SING IT MR. PERRY! I'm with you all the way....

OH YES and to top that all off with horrible insomnia is also quite the nice finishing flourish.

No, really, NICELY DONE.

I've also been enjoying coughing so much (while I'm unable to sleep) that I gag and almost vomit in my bed.

That's been a real treat.

And yes, I know, it could be worse. The bowels haven't gone yet. Although they could go, there's nobody fucking around to give a shit (no pun intended). Maybe then even my cats will leave me.

Oh, and AND I've run out of whiskey. Motherfuck.

Yeah, I'm in that bad a mood.

Ok, so, I get it... no really I GET IT.

Life is all about learning to deal with constant disappointment, and we all die alone.

RIGHT. POINT TAKEN, THANKS.

I think I've learned that little life lesson, can I go home now?

Or do I need to be constantly reminded OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

Is there some church or someplace I can go to like get the word out to 'god' or who ever that I am SO TOTALLY GETTING IT and I'm ALL SET with the life lessons?

As in 'don't worry, I've totally given up all hope so you can stop RAMMING the point down my fucking throat'?

Hmm? Anyone know a place like that? I have money, I am willing to pay to make it stop. Do I need to sacrifice some sort of game bird to someone?

I'm not asking for hope to be restored, but like, if I could stop having shit dangled in front of my face only to be quickly snatched away, that would be cool. I'm happy to live in a neutral unexpectant place, calm seas, even keel.

I just don't see how like, statistically, EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN SITUATION I AM PRESENTED WITH just DOESN'T WORK OUT. I mean you'd think like STATISTICALLY something should pan out, right? I mean, RIGHT? What are the odds??

I must have been a real fucking asshole in my previous life.

A real fucking asshole.