NUMBER THREE IN A SERIES OF ADVICE FOR THE SINGLE MAN

When contacting a person for the purpose of beginning a dialogue via an internet dating site that will hopefully lead to a satisfying and mutually beneficial intimate relationship, do not begin this dialogue by insulting the person you are contacting.

Saying things like:

What do you do? It sounds stupid and boring. Let's get coffee!

Or perhaps the more subtle:

Wow, do you always say so much? Is there anyway to get you to shut up? I can't wait to meet you!

And the ever popular:

You're sense of humor is CRAZY! You must be a CRAZY PERSON. Care for dinner and a movie?

These are not the ways to gain entrance into a person's heart, or for that matter, their pants.

Apparently, there is some 'foolproof way to get chicks to sleep with you' method out there that involves being nice to 'hot chicks that normally wouldn't give you the time of day' and then insulting them. Throws them off their game. Intrigues them.

Well, if that's what you're into, don't forget the nice part first.

And, good luck when those women go psychotic on you. Hope your number isn't listed.

Ok, speaking as a librarian.

DON'T MESS WITH MY STACKS.

If you take a book out and put it back in, fucking PUT IT BACK IN!

Don't all shove it in all fucked up and like push six other books so far back behind it no one will ever see them again.

Don't do it. Be a man (and/or woman, and/or transgender indivudual, or whathaveyou) and put it in right, bitch!

Oh, and shut the fuck up, while you're at it.

Shhhhhh!!!!

Ok, you know what?

I don't want an avatar.

So stop asking.

NUMBER TWO IN A SERIES OF ADVICE FOR THE SINGLE MAN

Ok, while we just HAPPEN to be on this subject, here's another tip from me to you.

Whilst describing what you want in a potential mate, describe REAL PERSONALITY TRAITS.

Ok, like, well they should be funny, like dogs, be able to discuss how they feel about things, blahblahblah blah AND BLAH.

Here's some descriptors that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO SOMEONE IS. Ready?

1. Able to wear a little black dress and go out to a nice dinner

2. Conversely, also able to 'kick back with a beer' and wear jeans.

Let's stop for a moment. For some reason these two 'descriptors' have permeated the online dating cultural fabric as acceptable ways to describe your perfect mate.

Guess what? THEY'RE NOT.

WHAT THE FUCK! does being able to wear a nice dress and also being able to wear jeans have to do with someone's personality? WHAT? Someone tell me cuz' I'm starting to get pissed.

That describes, quite literally, 99.9% of the goddamn population.

So, if I am able to wear a black dress and get all gussied up, but can also go to a dive bar in jeans and a fucking baseball hat (frequent wearing of a baseball hat, by the way is the international signifier for 'a tool with no personality', but I won't go into it at this juncture..) then it's OK if I like to skin rabbits for a hobby in the bathroom?

Or that I'm into water sports and furries? But my furry costume has a black dress that goes with it! And jeans! With a tail hole!

Or that the ONLY movies I can stand watching have to have midgets in them?

Or maybe that, when screwing you, I'm going to have to ask that you wear this Darth Vader mask. It's the only way I can come.

BUT I GOT MY BLACK DRESS AND JEANS, SO LET'S PARTY HOTSHOT!

Ok, so you see what I'm getting at here?

NO body is that boring. They just aren't. If you have a goddamn personality, let's see it, cuz' it's going to come out sooner or later and at this stage in the game, why waste other people's time and yours. You know?

NUMBER ONE IN A SERIES OF ADVICE TO THE SINGLE MAN

Fellas, when you are writing a little profile for yourself to let the world know who you are and maybe to try to get yourself a ladyfriend, or even a manfriend, or whathaveyou, don't like make it all inspirational quotes by someone else.

I mean, are you THAT BORING that you can't think of anything to say that might actually come from who YOU ARE not like what Ghandi said one time. Or friggin Tom Robbins or what everthefuck that guys name is.. That inspirational guy with the bad capped teeth, you know who I'm talking about.

I mean, yes, great, Ghandi and company said some amazing things, worthy of quoting. It's true. But I'm guessing your work as an electrical engineer doesn't really merit having to call on the spirit of Winston Churchill during World War II to get through the day. I'm just guessing..

And also let's face it boys, quoting famous inspirational historical figures in an attempt to get laid is not going to make you look like a good time in the sack.

It's going to make you look like a tool.

Which, well, if the hammer fits....

OOOH! OOOH!

You know what would be EVEN BETTER?!?!?!

If we could just have signs on the front door of the library that said:

YOU'RE ENTERING THE LIBRARY, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP

Oooh! IF I WERE KIIIIINGGGG OF THE FOORREEESSSTTTT!

sigh.. dare to dream...

So, I've decided to try a new shooshing technique.

Silencing by humiliation.

Also, it saves me having to get off my lazy ass (although I have recently become an avid gym go-er, did you know that? I bet not).

My new technique is to stay ensconced (is that a word) in my little reference desk pod and just yell at the people who need to shut the fuck up.

"EXCUSE ME! YOUNG MAN! CAN YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?!?!"

Or the ever popular "I CAN HEAR YOUR MUSIC ALL THE WAY OVER HERE!"

So, then, everyone else sees that they have been shooshed and the humilation is complete.

It's even better if I just sort of get up and just sort of walk towards them so everyone is aware that I am up and READY TO RUMBLE. Then not really going all the way over to the offending loudmouth (ooh the irony that I am calling someone that.. sigh.. ) but just 'sort of' going over and saying "PLEASE WHISPER" really loudly. And then clumping back to my desk.

Then if they keep it up, I can just yell at them to shut the fuck up from my desk, because, you know, don't make me get up again.

Ooh they don't like it at all!

It makes me EXTRORDINARILY uncomfortable to do it, but it seems to work.. hehe..

I wish I *could* just say "Shut the fuck up, please, you're in a fucking library, you dimwit asshole" but apparently that's considered bad form.

Oh well.

These are the challenges librarians face EVERY DAY on the job. It's a reality not many know of.

The front lines of shooshing.

It's a shoosh or be shooshed world out there.

Ok, I'm sorry for just saying that. I'll stop now.