Guess what?

(noooo, not 'chicken butt')

Being really smelly isn't 'cool'.

Nope!

Wow wow and wow.

Apparently this shit is totally real. I realize I'm probably the last to hear about it, but if not, do enjoy.

http://gonzorangers.com/?page_id=147

I have stories, but nothing *quite* this bad, *almost* this bad, but not *quite* this bad.

And although I *everevereversoslightly* feel bad for Mr. Darren because he's obviously INCREDIBLY socially retarded, delusional, hates his mother and whatnot, and probably had had many many first dates and no second ones and as we all know that's tiresome, MY GOODNESS IS HE A CRAZYPANTS. Sadly he is such a crazypants that he won't learn any lesson from this other than the world really IS out to get him, but maybe he'll at least get some therapy to deal with the stress of it all.

Besides that, I have to say that Joanne has done what I have dreamed of doing and it actually worked.

It's SO brilliant of her. Truly.

People often don't have much of a defense when others get all crazypants on them, but now, thanks to the Interweb, we can shout "NO MEANS NO, JACKASS" so all corners of the world can hear it.

Nothing says "fuck off" like a worldwide humiliation campaign.

Upon Jjohn's request, I shall now bestow upon you photos of the offending types of shoe styles that SO irritate me.

As some of you know, I have been OBSESSED with finding cute and yet comfortable shoes for my day to day walkabouts (basically to and from my car each day to work... but I park far on purpose! I do!). It even had made a dent in the frequency of my posting here. I don't use the word 'obsessed' lightly, people.

I had thought I had found them in the realm of sporty but funky Merrells, but alas they had weird insoles that made me feel all wobbly and strange that they claimed matched a 'woman's insole'. So, not only am I not a woman (according to Merrell's at least) women apparently have arches WAY in the back of their feet. Not I. Perhaps there is a place for me in the sideshows of our great country. Me and my sideshow 'non-woman' feet. Perhaps, pray for me that I find a place for my side-show feet. Oh pray.

Ahem.

Now. I am a researcher by trade and by nature, and therefore could not LET IT GO. So, I have DAY AFTER GODDAMN DAY (I even went all the way to CANADA) been trolling the stores and the internet for shoes to purchase that aren't so goddamn ugly my grandmother wouldn't wear them, but won't make my back go out and send me limping to the hospital with various foot and joint maladies, oh AND that don't cost $5,000.oo per pair.

IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK? IS IT?

I'm beginning to think it is.

I have noticed in my 'research' that to most shoe designers in order for a shoe to be labeled or branded 'comfortable' they must be made with weird UGLY HIPPY BULLSHIT all over them.

I don't need to feel that my shoes were 'hand sewn' by HIPPY ARTISANS. I do not. MOTHERFUCKING HIPPY ARTISANS do not guarantee a comfortable shoe. But apparently, in the collective unconscious of our society (and in Cananda's too, btw) bestowing shoes with yucky HIPPY BULLSHIT ARTISAN CRAPFUCKSHIT says 'comfort'.

Barf.

In my trollings for my new comfortable shoes, I have noticed two 'details' in particular that apparently just SCREAM comfort. I think that they just scream UN-SOPHISTICATED AND FRUMPY and POTENTIALLY MADE BY HIPPY ARTISANS (the little ones, in another country of course. You know, children! So small and so cheap is their labor! Hooray!).

These details are as follows (and perhaps this explains more my previous posting):

1. Pebble grained leather

2. Contrast stitching

YUCK AND YUCK.

Here are some examples of what I speak:

Ok, so, have a look. This shoe, although *slightly* orthopedic in style, is really pretty cute, even the stitching isn't TOO offensive. But look closely.... Does the shoe have a dermatological condition? Well, DOES IT? It's all fucking bumpy and shit. I chose this color because it's the easiest to see (I would not be caught dead in a off-brown shoe, thankyouverymuch) but like what the fuck? Is that supposed be considered a FEATURE of this shoe? NO! I REFUSE THIS FEATURE. Ugly and bumpy and HIPPY.

NEXT!

Ew. And. Ew. Again, a PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE SHOE without the FUCKING UGLY ASS HIPPY ARTISAN STITCHING. I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Maybe a little on the top is warranted, but I check out the contrast stitching on contrast stitching action on the shoe and sole... I THINK WE'VE GOT ENOUGH GODDAMN STITCHING FOLKS.

What? You can't see it? Well perhaps this will help (if you can't stand contrast stitching, you may want to hide you eyes at this point):

I mean, for CHRISTSAKES PEOPLE, do you think there's enough stitching? I mean DO YOU?

I can just see the GODDAMN HIPPY ARTISAN now, thinking to him/herself, "Hmm... I dunno, I don't think these look COMFORTABLE enough... I know! MORE FUCKING STITCHING."

Ugh.

Oh but wait!

SWEET JESUS AND GOD ALMIGHTY, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?

You might be thinking, "Oh those are kind of cute.."

Really? Are they? I mean really? No, look close... Look close and you will see shoes that a FUCKING HIPPY ARTISAN BASICALLY SHAT OUT OF THEIR ASS.

Fucking Hippy Artisan: Ooh, I think I need to make a 'dress-up' shoe, what shall it be?? Ooh, I KNOW! I'll make it from "distressed" puke-ass ugly leather and ADORN it with little like crocheted button dingleberries (because nothing says 'dress up' like crochet) and some MOCASSAN CONTRAST STITCHING. Perfect! And for the finishing TOUCHE of CLASS I will put a weird broken up thick rubber sole on the bottom. Like driving mocs! So classy!!! Just like Ralph Lauren would do!

Ugh.

Next on my list is a cool but functional backpack purse that doesn't look like a wallet strapped to my gi-normous back and isn't ALSO beSMIRCHED by contrast stitching and yucky leather.

God help me.

A girl's work is never done.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I NEED you to know something.

I HATE contrast stitching.

I really and truly hate it.

Oh and 'pebble grained' leather.

Hate it.

Good evening.

Mmm... rice balls.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061004/ap_on_fe_st/memorizing_pi

*Cough* getalife *cough*...

And scene.

Ok, so, WHO are the terrorists again?

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15105984/

Right, right, because I see SO MANY incidents with the 'evil doers' from Iraq, going into schools and shooting everyone.

Dude, they should just leave us alone. Give us enough time and the crazy people will just shoot us all before we hit breeding age.

Jesus f'ing Christ.

I get so disgusted sometimes I can barely get out of bed.

What a goddamn mess.

Feh.