I just saw this and I have to say it's pretty brilliant.

Have a lookee...

Good day.

Today's report on my ass sweat is as follows:

I got up from the bus seat and my ENTIRE ASS was damp and potentially obviously leaving a dark 'area' on the 'seat' of my pants. Or should I say trousers?

I feel PRETTY! oh so PRETTY!

I admit it, I'm a sweaty person. OK?

Which brings me to the following items of interest:

1. In my quest not to smear poisonus chemicals all over the largest organ on my body (my skin, NOT my ass - which by the way isn't really an 'organ' - my ass, I mean, but it IS *covered* by the organ I speak of which does give is quite of bit of 'organ real estate' if you will.. but I digress!) I have found some pretty good brands in ye olde health food stores near and far. These are as follows:

1. I have stopped wearing anti-persperant and am wearing that natural shit. Right now I'm going with 'the crystal' and although I've heard you eventually smell like a skunk, it's working pretty well for the odor control. Mamma likey. But yes, my pits sweat. And if 'sweating out the toxins' is something people really do, then I'm fucking healthy as hell. Feh.

2. I'm digging on the Suki brand for my face care: http://www.sukisnaturals.com/ They've got versions for dry and oily skins which I enjoy because in the summer I'm all about sweating (as referenced above) and in the winter now that I'm OLDer (ahem) I get really dry. They also have this list of shit to avoid in products, but it's a little extensive and can make you feel like never leaving the house. It's sort of lists stuff and just says CANCER after each thing, so you might want to check their resources before deciding it's bad. It also conveniently lists things that are in competitor's products on the list so that if you used anything but their products you'll be sure to get CANCER. But fuck it! It worked on me!

3. Burts Bees stuff just kicks ass but often is a tad on the strong smelly side. Proceed with caution unless you want to smell like honey. Like REALLY smell like honey. Or REALLY smell like green tea. But their Ginger and Grapefruit bodywash is DELIGHTFUL.

4. Giovanni Organic Cosmetics (which is a misnomer because they don't make cosmetics, but whatever). They have great modern sleek packaging that makes you feel like a big kid that isn't taking a time travel machine back to the 70's when you buy your hair care products (Aubrey Organics any one? I mean could you GET an uglier logo? feh).

Love their hair care stuff. Bought the pomade for my new short shag and it not only smells good and inoffensive, it isn't all waxy and rinses out immediatement! in zee shower. Also down with the mint salt scrub shit they make. It's MINTY. Would be lovely for a hot summer, you are all covered in mint oil afterwards, so don't use it on a cold day. Also the best Tea Tree oil shampoo hands down.

Be warned, their website has a GODDAMN FLASH INTRO! The BANE OF MY EXISTENCE IS A FLASH INTRO. NO BODY CARES ABOUT YOUR ANIMATED 4 MINUTE BRANDING VISION. UGH! Skipintroskipintroskipintroskipintroskipintro. barf. Oh my god, I just realized their whole fucking site is in Flash. So bad. Has no one learned anything from the late 90's? Anyone? Anyway, despite their bad web marketing skills, their stuff is nice.

5. Ok, where were we? Perhaps the most difficult thing about this whole no nasties in my skincare is finding make up that doesn't suck. Most natural brands you can find in the grocery store have very limited colors which means they are usually very yellow based because that's what most people are. Except if you're me. I am VERY blue. Smurf-like. Actually. Go ahead! laugh! I'm blue! Are you happy? Reminds me of the line in the movie Slacker where the dude at the cafe says to the other dude at the cafe: "Smurfs are just getting people used to seeing blue people" and then goes on to say it's cuz' Krishna is coming etc, etc. (Krishna is also blue). That movie is so goddamn brilliant. GO GET IT NOW. Watch it sober, drunk and stoned. You'll be quoting it forever.

I digress YET AGAIN. Ok, so, I need blue coooool tones for my facey face and the best shit I've found for that are the following two brands:

Jane Iredale - it's hard to find her stuff in stores cuz' it's only sold through salons, but it's worth it. I don't use any of the mineral foundation stuff, but apparently it's the BOMB. Or 'off the hook' as the kids say. I do however enjoy her eyeshadows, lipsticks, lipliners, and concealers. Oh and eyeliners. Kick ass stuff. And no parabens or other junky things in them. Plus the packaging makes you feel like a big girl buying big girl stuff. And for someone who used to make regular trips to the Chanel counter at Bloomingdale's, it's nice to have something somewhat elegant. I'm a big fan of the Babe lip color. Sheer but good pigment. It would look great on anyone.

Sante Naturkosmetik - These Germans are also BLUE LIKE ME! They have colors for yellow based folks, but they have stuff for blue people too. This site is from the UK, dunno if they have a US site, but they definitely sell their stuff in healthfood stores about (Cambridge Naturals and Wholefoods in the Boston area). Plus they have really good nailpolish colors. Hooray for Krishna (in Germany)!

6. These are the coolest bags ever and as soon as I'm not poor from having to buy all new makeup and shampoo, I am going to buy some of these puppies:

http://www.thegreenloop.com/SearchResults.asp?RefineBy_Manufacturer=Vy+%26+Elle&RefineBy_Price=&Search=

Made from recycled billboards, no two are the same. Seriously, they are so cool. SERIOUSLY!

And finally, I just went to Greendimes and cancelled all the catalogs I could think of from coming to my house. Which, I have to admit to you was painful. One of my favorite things to do in the world is to flip through catalogs and watch Tabloid TV after work. But I can just look at em online. Right???? Sigh.. I didn't cancel my Boden catalog tho. Couldn't do it.

And so, hopefully all this shit will help someone out there. I spent a shit load of cash figuring it all out, so now you won't have to!

I promise to be funnier soon. But this shit gets me jazzed. JAZZED!

Over and out.

Ah Spring has sprung and I know this because now, when I get up from the T and/0r bus seat I am sitting on, I leave a little bit of glistening ass sweat for all to enjoy!

I just LOVE the warmer weather. Sigh...

Here's something funny:

http://www.someecards.com/

Much like My Filing Technique is Unstoppable, but Hallmark style.

Funny tymes.

The other Saturday, I had two things that made me feel very very old.

One was when the quite OBVIOUSLY older lady in the Whole Foods (or Angry Store, as we like to call it) thought I was the same age as her whilst I was sniffing au-natural shampoos.

"You around my age, right? 49? 50?"

"Um.. no, 34"

"Oh SORRY"

Yah.

I felt pretty.

SECONDLY, I was working in the Library on Saturday and as I was leaving with the student worker that was in that day, the following conversation took place:

Me: Ooh I hope I don't have a parking ticket... Let's all hope I don't have a parking ticket, NO WHAMMIES, FOLKS, NO WHAMMIES!

Student: Oh yeah, hah... is that what you call parking tickets? Whammies?

And scene.

Wow. The day has come that people that are old enough to drink don't know what it means when someone says 'No Whammies'. I never imagined. So... old...

Anyway, I then proceeded to explain to him that No, there was a game show called Press Your Luck in the 80's where there was this screen thing and if you got whammies that looked like gremlins (and again with the blank look - all the kids can dress like Pat Benetar, it seems, but no one KNOWS what ACTUALLY happened in the 80's because they weren't BORN yet, man...) and if you hit them you lost money, ETC, ETC, ETC.

Needless to say, he was FASCINATED. (not) --> now that's an early 90's reference for all you kids out there. Watch Borat, there's a scene that explains it.

Whilst relaying this story to a friend of mine, she too knew of the pain of making pop culture references to the youngsters and no one knowing what the hell she was talking about. She then said, YouTube could solve all of my problems when this happens because pretty much EVERYTHING from television in the 80's was on there.

And so, without further delay, I bring you "Press Your Luck"*




Here's a little Wikipedia entry on the subject of Whammies for you kids as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whammy_%28Press_Your_Luck%29


*Please note, watching this clip, may cause flashbacks to being home from school delirious with fever. If a flashback *does* occur, stay seated, drink some "new" Coke, and tie a bandana around your thigh (over your jeans of course).