Remember back when I had that other job and had to deal with clients all the time and would often times do or say things that were somewhat embarrassing?

Hugging the client? Asking them to marry me?

Remember?

Perhaps you thought with this new job, all that had gone away. No more 'unfortunate incidences' having to do with my foot ramming itself into my mouth.

Oh, perhaps you did think that. But perhaps you'd be very very wrong.

Yes, today, just now, I totally humiliated myself in front of my bosses boss. Oh yes. The legend of Twicksie continues.

As some of you may know, I am having some 'trouble' at my condo due to some disruptive construction happening in my neighbors condo below me. No one is there to manage this fiasco, so I am left with damaged property and being the one that has to call up everyone to get the things they fuck up fixed.

I have spent a considerable amount of time, money, and energy on this which is ironic, due to the fact that MY CONDO IS NOT BEING WORKED ON. ahem... It has been very stressful and has caused me to loose some sleep due to the anxiety and worry about my house potentially burning down due to some contractor's fuck up.

Perhaps my home will burn whilst I am sleeping, I think to myself. How will I get the cats out of the third floor of a burning building? Should I throw them out a third floor windo or try to stuff them in my special 'fire bag'* that I have fashioned for them?

The whole matter has made me more than a little batty and out of it, so it's no wonder the following thing occured.

I had just been IM'ing with my boyfriend (a one Mr. jjohn, extrodinaire) about JUST this very topic (whether to throw the cats or to bag 'em) when my bosses boss came by to check in with me.

He had seen me earlier in the morning coming in from SWEATING MY LABIAL LIPS off and I was muttering angry phrases about Jesus and how hot is was out. As he often does, he came by to inquire as to how my day was going and to see what the latest tale of woe was concerning my home improvements by proxy nightmare.

As he walked up, I had been IM'ing which is not explicitly 'not allowed' but not exactly considered a 'good idea' by the institution that employs me and my screen was sort of facing in a direction where he might have seen that I was doing so. So, I wanted to keep his eyes on me, and not on my screen and was somewhat distracted by that.

I was also distracted by the fact that I had just been IM'ing with my boyfriend and so he was on my mind to some degree as well.

Have I mentioned that I haven't been sleeping well?

Yeah, right.. So. So, I go on and on to my bosses boss about how the nightmare continues at my house and it's all so frustrating and I'm not sleeping and blahblahblah..

Oh, before I continue, have I mentioned that my 'desk' is out in the library where everyone can hear and see what I'm doing? And there's a row full of students at the computers not 10 feet away from this whole interaction? Have I mentioned that? No? Oh well, my bad. Please consider it mentioned.

So, the conversation is coming to a close between me and my bosses boss and I do a quick glance over to my screen to see if jjohn has typed anything else and have a split second of spacing out between that and saying the following thing (to my bosses boss):

"All I know is don't by a condom..."

And there it was. The complete deafening silence that occurs RIGHT after something VERY VERY MISTAKEN AND WRONG comes out of your mouth hole. I call it the silence AFTER the storm.

I had been a little spacey so hadn't even realized at first that I had said it. After a few painful moments, I stopped, focused back on his shocked and reddened face and said:

"Wait? Did I just say condom?"

"Why, yes, yes you did."

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY, I MEANT CONDO, DON'T BUY A CONDO THAT'S OLD."

"I'd say that's good advice for both those things."

Oh my god. I immediately turned VERY BRIGHT RED, pathetically tried to remind my bosses boss that I was very very tired and then informed him that I would be blushing profusely for the next six hours.

But on second thought, I'd like to make that ten hours. For the next ten hours.

If I don't die of embarrassment first.




* my 'fire bag' is a whole different embarrassing story. When I lived in NYC and was recently unemployed, I began to worry quite a bit about quite alot. I had alot of time on my hands, not working and all and was drinking far fewer martinis. I realized I didn't have a good escape plan for me and my three cats should a fire break out at my condo (in Jersey City, JC IN THE HOUSE!). So, I sauntered into Paragon Sports one day and began looking for an appropriate bag that I could STUFF all three cats in and strap on should a fire break out. I had many needs and specifications for this bag so was taking some time looking around the bag section of the store. I took so long looking that eventually an employee came by to ask if I needed any help.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I'm looking for a large duffel bag that can also be worn as a back pack."

"How big does it need to be?"

"Well, um.. pretty big..."

"Like this big?"

"No, bigger."

"Do you mind me asking what you'll be using it for?"

At this point, I became silent for a good minute or so.

"Um.. well, I uh.. I need something big enough to stuff three 15 - 20 pound cats into."

I saw a moment of concern flash across his eyes but then, it IS New York, so I'm sure he'd heard worse.

I then proceeded to explain to him my plan for the bag and how it would need to be tough enough to allow me to punch air holes in it, enough so that the cats wouldn't scratch their way out, and waterproof would also be nice, seeing one of the felines in question had a little bit of a nervous bladder.

He clearly thought I was COMPLETELY insane, but actually found me the PERFECT bag. I bought it, put rivited holes into it and it lives under my bed to this very day. It helps me sleep at night.

And no, the cats and I have NOT had a test run because it will be much harder to get them in the damn bag if they know what it's for.