If you, dear reader (for some reason I feel like referring to everyone as 'dear reader', I know not why, so please bare with me. Or is it 'bear' with me? Or bare? Bear? Bare? LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF! oh GOSH, I'm sooooo funny.. ahem.), are planning on having a party or 'function' that calls for tiny little cocktail umbrellas and live in the Boston area, here's a handy list of place THEY DON'T EXIST:

- Shaw's supermarkets
- Stop and Shop Supermarkets
- Bed, Bath and Beyond
- Walgreens
- ANY liquor stores - none.

These are many of the places I looked for these little fuckers all last night and you know what I found? I found that iParty (located on Soldier's Field Road, for those of you who give a shit and might seriously need those little umbrellas for something. You know what I say? FUCK those little umbrellas.. FUCK THEM.) seems to have taken a GIGANTOR little umbrella vacuum and set it to 11 and SUCKED all the little umbrellas in the greater Boston area right into their store. Onto a hook. On a wall. In the very very very back of the store.

They are the little umbrella kingpins. The little umbrella mafia. The little umbrella cartelle. The little umbrella monopoly, if you will.

But not anymore. Because now I have them. All of them. In my car. In the trunk. Downstairs. In the garage.

So FUCK YOU, iParty. NOW WHO'S THE LITTLE UMBRELLA BOSS?!?!?! Huh?? HUH?!?! NOW WHO?!?!

I am. THAT'S who. YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think maybe iParty needs to say my name now. And so do all those little BITCH-ASS umbrellas.

SAY IT!