Ok, so.. I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. I am sorry for the seemingly planned CAMPAIGN OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT I seem to be intent on waging against my clients and co-workers.
Oh yes. If the hugging incident wasn't enough (see below for details), yesterday, I said to a client during a conference call, and I quote:
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Yes. I said it. He's already married by the way. A straight shooter that likes to sail and wear pleated khakis. I don't doubt he wears 'boat shoes' in a non-ironic manner (although I guess I haven't noticed people wearing 'boat shoes' in an ironic manner lately, or ever really, but you get what I mean). He also has one of the most IMPRESSIVE and non-convincing comb-forwards this side of Donald Trump. Of course, none of this would deter me if I truly loved him. Mais non, I do not.
No, THIS TIME I SO RUDELY FORCED myself upon a client, albeit verbally and over the phone, not in person, it was because he was so very understanding concerning the way schedules work.
You may not know this. Or perhaps you do, but when one plans a schedule, in an ideal world you also use this schedule to plan how your 'resources' (this is the project management way of referring to ACTUAL PEOPLE that do the work laid out in schedules. It's better if we don't think of them as human, trust me.) will be able to work within all the many projects assigned to it. I know, I know, FASCINATING STUFF. "TELL ME MORE!," you scream clutching your mouse, "TELL ME MORE!". And I shall.
This particular client knows, and this is a rare thing, that once you SCREW with a schedule, say feedback on something comes in two days late, it does not necessarily mean that the schedule will only push back two days. OOOOOHHH NOOOOO!!!! One must consider how this delay affects the domino situation of RESOURCE PLANNING. Oh yes they must. Maybe resource number 1 (0r Sarah - that's her name, but like I said, it's better not to know) has OTHER work to do that was previously planned and cannot be moved. So then it will actually take this resource number 1 5 days to complete something because they must now fit the delayed work into their current schedules.
AM I GETTING YOU HOT WITH ALL THIS SCHEDULE TALK? I bet.
Ok, the point is, and there is a point (sort of) is that this particular client, instead of saying, "HEY I'M AN ASSHOLE AND AM GOING TO TREAT ALL OF YOU LIKE YOU ARE ON A RETAINER WITH OUR COMPANY EVEN THOUGH WE ARE ONLY PAYING YOU LIKE $2.00 TO DO THIS", said, "I understand how schedules work and that it may not be an even two days later that we get this back."
Holy shit. Music to my ears. Sweet sweet SWEET music.
To this I said, "Um, WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
I expected a loud uproarious laughter to ensue, both by the client on the phone, and by my team mates sitting next to me in the over airconditioned conference room. I am so very funny, after all.
No, no.. instead, oh yes.. instead, we get this:
COMPLETE AND UTTER SILENCE BY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.
awwwwwsome.
dead air, my friends, dead air.
Not a girl's best friend. At some point my co-worker managed to throw out a nervous gaffaw and the 'incident' was completely ignored, not mentioned, and never spoken of again.
I am expecting a subpoena in the mail any day.
SOMEBODY, please! SOMEBODY save me from myself.
Oh yes. If the hugging incident wasn't enough (see below for details), yesterday, I said to a client during a conference call, and I quote:
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Yes. I said it. He's already married by the way. A straight shooter that likes to sail and wear pleated khakis. I don't doubt he wears 'boat shoes' in a non-ironic manner (although I guess I haven't noticed people wearing 'boat shoes' in an ironic manner lately, or ever really, but you get what I mean). He also has one of the most IMPRESSIVE and non-convincing comb-forwards this side of Donald Trump. Of course, none of this would deter me if I truly loved him. Mais non, I do not.
No, THIS TIME I SO RUDELY FORCED myself upon a client, albeit verbally and over the phone, not in person, it was because he was so very understanding concerning the way schedules work.
You may not know this. Or perhaps you do, but when one plans a schedule, in an ideal world you also use this schedule to plan how your 'resources' (this is the project management way of referring to ACTUAL PEOPLE that do the work laid out in schedules. It's better if we don't think of them as human, trust me.) will be able to work within all the many projects assigned to it. I know, I know, FASCINATING STUFF. "TELL ME MORE!," you scream clutching your mouse, "TELL ME MORE!". And I shall.
This particular client knows, and this is a rare thing, that once you SCREW with a schedule, say feedback on something comes in two days late, it does not necessarily mean that the schedule will only push back two days. OOOOOHHH NOOOOO!!!! One must consider how this delay affects the domino situation of RESOURCE PLANNING. Oh yes they must. Maybe resource number 1 (0r Sarah - that's her name, but like I said, it's better not to know) has OTHER work to do that was previously planned and cannot be moved. So then it will actually take this resource number 1 5 days to complete something because they must now fit the delayed work into their current schedules.
AM I GETTING YOU HOT WITH ALL THIS SCHEDULE TALK? I bet.
Ok, the point is, and there is a point (sort of) is that this particular client, instead of saying, "HEY I'M AN ASSHOLE AND AM GOING TO TREAT ALL OF YOU LIKE YOU ARE ON A RETAINER WITH OUR COMPANY EVEN THOUGH WE ARE ONLY PAYING YOU LIKE $2.00 TO DO THIS", said, "I understand how schedules work and that it may not be an even two days later that we get this back."
Holy shit. Music to my ears. Sweet sweet SWEET music.
To this I said, "Um, WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
I expected a loud uproarious laughter to ensue, both by the client on the phone, and by my team mates sitting next to me in the over airconditioned conference room. I am so very funny, after all.
No, no.. instead, oh yes.. instead, we get this:
COMPLETE AND UTTER SILENCE BY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.
awwwwwsome.
dead air, my friends, dead air.
Not a girl's best friend. At some point my co-worker managed to throw out a nervous gaffaw and the 'incident' was completely ignored, not mentioned, and never spoken of again.
I am expecting a subpoena in the mail any day.
SOMEBODY, please! SOMEBODY save me from myself.
posted by twicksie at
7:11 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home